The merits of holding a sale that encourages human-to-door violence cannot be understated*. But you, the customer, want to know what method of brutish behavior warrants the best sales.

Here is what I’ve deduced:

Door Busters – The traditional way of subjecting our gatekeeping friends is by Busting them wide open.

Door Smashers – If you’re shopping in Canada, remember that the etiquette is to smash a door. The alteration appeased the French community, who considered the word buster, which can also refer to a type of person, too much of a word of those “English conigets.”

Door Thrasher – “Supplement” places like GNC offer their customers, hyped up on steroids, the option of shattering the glass completely.

Door Thumpers – You’ll see these at many fast food joints, as they target the larger folk.

Door Bumpers – These are for anyone who pushes off the door to gain the necessary momentum to squeeze by the congestion of competing costumers.

Door Humpers – This sale is for the super shopper who doubles as sexual deviant.

*Crimes against doors often go unreported. If you see a such a crime taking place, you are obligated to report it, lest you be an accomplice to the action against an innocent, defenseless, and most importantly, inanimate, object.