Nobody’s innocent, and with today’s government, you’re guilty if it (The President and his cronies [whoever they may be]) says you’re guilty. Indefinite detention* of American citizens without due process or court trial is real, and it is expected to pass the Senate with flying colors. We only just discovered this piece of legislation because the discussion for it was done in private, which is straight-up, 100%, illegal.

Oh, and the only problem our president had with the bill is he doesn’t have total control because he must report to Congress…that nuisance…when it comes to these detentions. Congress was supposed to be a check on executive power. The idea is theoretically impeccable, but when Senators and Representatives are too lazy to do their homework rather than checking their Facebook statuses, they don’t care how much power they hand off to the president, so long as it means they do less work.

Some of the reasons you might be considered a terror suspect are so asinine, that anything humorous I have imagined pales in comparison.

1. Missing fingers: They don’t care you work for the meatpacking industry. You best keep all your fingers or risk indefinite detention.

2. Storing more than a week of food: Sorry, Mormons and extreme couponers, that means you.

3. Possessing guns: I can only assume the NRA, the second most powerful lobby in the nation, isn’t going to bend over and take this, but hey, what do I know?

4. Weatherproofing your ammunition: Same as three.

*If the war on terror should ever end, you might be released**

**The war on terror will NEVER, for any reason, end.