Owners and players are at the mercy of their customers, and it’s not fair:
Dearest football fans, I was your biggest fan until you complained. All this nonsense about how you can’t afford to purchase a season pass must stop. When the dust settles, I fear I will become a fan of fans of a different sport. If you want a better view and free tickets, try out for the practice squad. Given that the players association proposed an 85-man roster to offset the impending burden of 2 extra regular season games (that’s a whopping 12.5% increase in games), there will no doubt be gaps in the roster, like the 4th-string holder position.
Don’t rule yourself out if you have a criminal record. The Bengals organization doesn’t conduct background checks. And if you sign with the Jets, you might be sent to the sidelines to be a vital member of the tripping crew. Imagine your giddiness when one of your friends drafts you on his fantasy squad. One trip equals 5 fantasy points. For those who can’t make the cut, you can find work as one of the 50 additional sideline employees the NFLPA will require, which includes extra personal trainers, massage therapists, acupuncturists, media coaches, professional speakers, and Jason Statham. Why Statham? When you have more money than God like the NFL, you don’t ask questions; you deliver results.
Everyone, owners included, has suffered from this economic crisis. Roughly two stadium seats remain empty every week. Sure, the awning above your temporary seat eclipses half the field. And yes, owners bribed the fire marshal to not question the seat’s structural integrity. But the point is that you are supporting your team in person—eating a $15 hotdog, drinking a $20 beer, and freezing your baby-maker off if you live in Buffalo, Cleveland, or Green Bay—and your friends aren’t. Should you contract pneumonia from the bitter cold, scores of doctors pampering players on the sidelines can assist you. You owe your team that much.
It wasn’t enough that you demanded the players on your team care about making it to the Super Bowl. And it wasn’t enough that you wanted to hear how your coaches and players would adjust after a loss. You wanted more, more cameras capturing every conceivable angle, more mic’d-up players, more pans to Tom Brady’s wife. The NFL must pay her royalties each time she’s pictured. The owners and players set the bar high for their fans. Though you can’t jump as high as the bar (one reason you’re not a player), you ought to act more mature…like them.